A Taste of Despair
by nevertalk
Summary: The last thing Phoenix needed was time to think because there was only one thing on his mind. PLvsAA spoilers.


The hard, wooden bed creaked and groaned as Phoenix rolled around in it. He briefly wondered if he was keeping Luke and Espella awake in the bunks above him with all his tossing and turning. Despite his exhaustion, he simply could not sleep. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the same scene playing out in front of him.

He could feel his weakness as all his struggling was in vain beneath the knight crushing him. He could see the flames billow upwards in delighted acceptance of their victim. Maya was dead. Just like that, her life was snuffed out in front of cheering crowds who actually wanted to see it happen.

The bastards. Phoenix's fists clenched against the sheets. Part of him wished he actually took that swing at Barnham and got it out of his system, to feel all his sorrow and anger smash against the inquisitor's face, to feel a satisfying bruise form on his knuckles, but Maya would never have wanted that. She expected better from him and she deserved it.

But she never got it.

"_Help me, Nick!"_

The final words out of her mouth expressed her belief in him. She was counting on him to save her as he had always done before. She knew he would never let her down... but he did. Phoenix rolled over one more time and clenched his jaw and eyes shut, choking down a whimper. Maya trusted him and he failed her. He had let her die.

She must have been so scared. Did she suffer? Did she blame him? Of course she didn't. She never would. Not really. Phoenix flipped over in bed again and drove his knuckles into his forehead. He could feel tears trying to form and his nose starting to run. He kept his teeth clenched knowing full well if he opened his mouth right now he'd scream.

What would he have even done had he not been tackled to the floor? Would he have dived into the pit after Maya? Would he have given himself to the flames as well? He had already tried to cross a burning bridge over what might as well have been a pit once for her already. Why not finish what he started and follow her to the afterlife?

Part of him wanted to go back and do just that. He was convinced the only thing keeping him going was Espella. Maya saved her life and had inadvertently given her own to do it. Phoenix couldn't give up on her now. If anything happened to Espella, _anything_, that would be a betrayal of Maya's final act. He knew she was looking over him now and he couldn't let her down a second time.

Then there was Luke. Luke was being so strong. It was clear he was hurting inside, but he was keeping it together so much better. Why was that? Maybe it was because the professor was still there. He had been turned to gold but maybe some magic could turn him back. Maya... Maya was gone; swallowed by flames.

It hurt even more this time. Phoenix brought his knees up to his chest. It wasn't fair. They had overcome so much together. They had suffered from the moment they met but they always made it through because they had each other. He remembered Mia's death, when he had first met this strange girl, her body wracked with sobbing.

He swore to defend her, to protect her for Mia's sake. Before he knew it, he befriended the girl. He considered her family, a partner... maybe something more, according to the rumors whispered behind their backs. Mia had left him a precious gift... and he had lost it. No magic could bring her back. Not like Layton.

When did he start accepting magic as reality, anyway? He had seen the evidence, the whole town believed in it, and Phoenix had witnessed spirit channeling multiple times. That was a type of magic in its own right to him. He rolled onto his back and sniffed back tears before letting out a staggered exhale. Lead set in his gut as he realized he could never face Maya. Spirit channeling was a chance to see her one more time, to apologize, to say everything left unsaid, but he'd never have the courage to ask Pearl to do it.

It wasn't as if he had any idea how to get back home anyway. He had no memory of even coming to Labyrinthia beyond being sucked into a book. After that, there was nothing but a false five years of being a baker. Counterfeit visions danced in his head. He remembered Maya trying to make loaves of bread shaped like his head and the hair spikes burning. He remembered the two of them getting into a splash fight while going down to the stream to do laundry and being yelled at by Patty. He remembered one cold winter's night when they cuddled close and warm in front of the oven, watching the fire and smelling their fresh bread bake.

He remembered none of that actually happened. Some magic spell invaded his mind, telling him he had spent five years living in this fantasy world with a girl he had only known for three. Despite all that, the images seemed so real. They seemed like things they'd have still done had they had the chance... had he not screwed it up.

Phoenix took another deep breath. He opened his eyes and stared into the darkness above him. He heard what sounded like his stomach rumbling but he wasn't hungry. Maya would have been. She'd have taken him by the wrist and pulled him down into the tavern for a midnight snack. Tears stung at his eyes again as he lifted a hand, willing her to come back and drag him back down into that den of alcohol, sweat, and candle smoke.

After a moment, he let his hand drop back into the bed.

What would he have even done if she were to appear before him now? He'd hug her. He'd hold her to make sure she was real and that she'd never be taken away again. He'd probably cry. Maybe he'd even kiss her. He could admit to all of that.

There was no flare of denial. Somehow, with her gone, suppressing feelings that had been building for years had no purpose. There wasn't a single soul on the planet who was as precious as Maya. There was no point in eschewing that obvious truth... just as there was no longer any point in dwelling on it.

Phoenix sat up on the edge of his bed and held his head in his hands. Maybe he was just going crazy. Maybe his emotions were only amplifying his feelings. Maybe in his despair he was granted a moment of clarity. His heart ached and he just let it happen. There was no sense in fighting it any longer. His only hope was that suffering now would get it over with and he could lead Luke and Espella to safety. He had to set a good example. He had to protect them... even if he couldn't trust himself to protect anyone.

It was no use. He couldn't sleep.

_...Maya... if only... I'd been able... to save you... It never would have come to this..._

"I'm a little thirsty," he tried to convince himself. "Maybe I should go grab some water."

He quietly rose from his bed and navigated towards the door as best he could. He knew the truth, though. It wasn't thirst that made his mouth run dry.

His shaky hands gripped the doorway as he crept out to the tavern. Candles still lit the main area and Rouge was idly busying herself behind her empty bar. Not a single other soul was in sight. His heart sank all over again, part of him still believing Maya would have just appeared and mocked him for being such a worrywart.

She wasn't there. Of course she wasn't. The woman he so cherished was dead.

Thump after thump, Phoenix slowly worked his way down the steps. He saw Rouge look up at the sound and offer him a coy smile. He did not return it.

"What's up?" she asked as he approached her. "Can't get to sleep?"

"...Yeah," Phoenix confessed. "I'm absolutely beat but I can't keep my eyes shut."

He knew exactly what happened every time he tried. He felt his cry of her name in his throat and it threatened to strangle him. He offered to help clean the tavern, even; anything to occupy his time and keep him from feeling the pain for just a little while.

Rouge, in an unknowingly cruel act of kindness, turned down his offer.

"...So?" she probed. "You must have come down here for something, right?"

Not really. The water was just a ruse so he could wander. He hoped to leave his troubles back in the room upstairs. His body was listless and his stomach was in knots. Somehow he found himself able to ask for a drink anyway.

Rouge smirked in reply and drew a knife. Her condition was a game. Perhaps it wasn't tavern cleaning, but it was something distracting and so Phoenix accepted. Puzzles seemed to be popular in Labyrinthia, even in the seedier parts of town. Without electricity, it must have been all they had. It was curious; he never had memories of solving puzzles with Maya while working in the bakery.

Maya...

He hunched forward and focused on the puzzle. It failed to build enough of a mental barrier and was over far too soon. Rouge was impressed but Phoenix shrugged it off. He recommended Luke be the one to solve the next one. He had lost someone important too. Maybe puzzles were a better distraction for him.

"You know," Rouge commented, "for someone so young, he's got a good head on his shoulders, that one."

Phoenix could not disagree. He remembered with stark clarity how the boy testified against Maya with tears in his eyes. Phoenix didn't know the relationship between Layton and his apprentice, but it was clear they meant a great deal to each other. Then when he thought back to the end of the trial, it was Luke that led them out of the courtroom. He had put his grief on hold to concentrate.

Phoenix could not do that. Everything was still so raw. The pain was too deep. Selfishly he told himself that nothing could compare to what he was feeling when in actuality everyone was suffering. He tried his hardest to explain to Rouge what Luke was going through. He explained how Espella was in even deeper than she was before. Maybe it would help him put things in perspective.

"And... Maya."

It just spilled out of his mouth.

"I can't stop thinking how her death was completely my fault..."

He couldn't shut up.

"That's why I need to be stronger... But I can't. I just feel so hopeless."

He was emptying out his feelings to a stranger. This woman had offered their group shelter and now he was burdening her with his problems. He had to steer the conversation away from what was really eating him alive.

"I'm the only one who can protect Luke and Espella... But I'm scared. I'm scared that what happened to Maya will happen again."

Rouge's gaze pierced him, making him turn away.

"...Maya, huh?" she ventured. "I caught wind of what happened today in court. She seemed... very important to you."

The pause was not lost on Phoenix. She knew. Everyone who saw them together knew, it seemed. He tried to keep obfuscating. It was just a habit. He continued the claim that he was just worried about the others. He tried to hide his selfishness behind altruism but those green eyes did not believe him for a second.

"Have you taken a second to step back from your wallowing and think how worried they must be about you right now?"

He hadn't. Of course he hadn't. He wasn't worth worrying about. He let Maya die. He was hopeless, just as Rouge said. He was trying to protect people who were stronger than he was. Phoenix stared at the bar top and took the accusations. As far as he was concerned, they were all true.

Then came the impossible request. "Accept it." It was impossible to accept. Maya was dead. Did she not understand? Maya Fey was dead. Accepting that fact would kill him too.

"I... I can never forgive myself for letting this happen..." he stated with a hollow voice. "I couldn't do anything..." He looked Rouge in the eye for the first time. "Not a single thing!"

Phoenix slumped on the bar and buried his head in his hands. "I did nothing to help Maya at all... Maya... she gave her own life to save Espella! If only I'd been quicker... if only I could've done something... Maya would still be..." Phoenix brought his head up and looked at nothing in particular. "...She'd still be here by my side..."

His head went right back down. "It's all my fault..."

Rouge's eyes flicked over the small congregation looking down from the stairs before looking back at Phoenix's head, still on the bar. "She... was someone special to you."

Seconds stretched on before Phoenix finally rasped out, "...I never told her."

A smile graced Rouge's lips and she lifted Phoenix's head. "I think she knew."

"How could you know?"

"Women just know, tiger. Every relationship just is what it is. Words just get in the way sometimes. Those kids you're traveling with already know that. They're so worried about you, they don't want to weigh you down by telling you that. Is that what Maya would have wanted?"

A rueful smile twitched at the corner of Phoenix's mouth. "She'd probably puff out her cheeks and tell me what a worthless lump I am right now."

"When she's right, she's right. I'm not going to tell you to get over it. Treasure up every moment you had with her. That's your strength right now. Those two are looking for you to be strong and if you can't find it in yourself, find it in her."

Phoenix stood up from the bar and wiped at his eyes. Maya had always been incredibly strong to weather all the storms she had. Whether what happened was his fault or not, he had to follow her example. It would keep even just that little bit of her alive.

"Rouge, I... uh..." he stammered. "Rouge, I just wanted to thank you... You know, for hearing me out."

Rouge shifted her weight to lean on one hip. "Pfft, no need for formalities. We did just share a puzzle, after all. Anyways, go on and get some rest. Something tells me you'll need it."

"Okay," Phoenix decided. "I'll do just that." He started back to his room before offering, "Good night, Rouge."

"Night," she returned. She threw back the untouched drink she had poured for him. It seemed even she knew he wasn't really thirsty.

On the way back up the steps, he gathered up every memory of Maya, just as ordered. He collected even the fake ones. Fate had been kind enough to conjure up memories of Maya he had never even experienced. He wondered if she had been given the same ones he had; if they were given by a spell or if the spell had just let their minds make them on their own. Did she remember how he heroically stopped a street urchin from pilfering bread only to offer him half a loaf anyway? Did she remember when Eve had rubbed on him while he was in his apron and he got cat hair in the rolls?

...Did she know how he felt about her? He hadn't even known. Sometimes you don't know how important something is until it's taken away.

Well he wasn't going to let it happen again. Mia had taught him that a lawyer is someone who smiles no matter how tough it gets. Maya was his strength to do just that. No matter what he felt about her, she could never love someone who gave up.

Even if she was gone, he'd never give up on her.


End file.
